me...

Lately i've been thinking about Kelly. She was pale with chestnut hair and had a subtle curve in her cheeks. In some sense, i suppose, she was my first girlfriend. Of course, Miriam officially held that title at the time, but i was in kindergarten; what did i know? Kelly took me away from Miriam, into the "woods" on the playground, and kissed me. For the impossible exhilaration, i can't remember if it was directly on the lips, but it was close enough that i was lost forever. The next day Kelly had adopted a younger girl to be our daughter, and i developed a frustration i'd never known. All i wanted was for her to kiss me again. Strangely, it never occurred to me to kiss her. Toward the end of elementary school, i met a girl at summer camp named Charlotte. She was in Performing Arts with me, and was beautiful. She resembled 99 in that way that people resemble other people and no one ever sees but me. i had barely spoken with her, but when a counselor sent me to take the attendance to the office, Charlotte raised her hand and asked if she could go with me. My pulse jumps a little just thinking about that moment. i was so scared and thrilled, i walked much too fast for her to catch me. It is an incredible thing to be chosen, especially because girls aren't supposed to overtly choose. And so i wonder about the seven-year cycle of selves, because Kelly belonged to that first one psychologists hold so dear. Since then, most of the friendships i've sought have been girls, but i've not been the catalyst of any romantic relationship. This is not to say that i haven't chosen, but their choices were always the first to act. Upon meeting me, Cam invited me up to the CIT room to play poker, and sat against me. Emily escaped her date at Homecoming to ask me (rather, yell at me) if i'd save her a dance. And Anne, well, Anne just laid down on the floor. Similarly, they determined all first-time intimacies. This behavior has stimulated an odd wealth of debate. You girls seem to delight in arguing with me that you'd never do anything you didn't want to do. i've known you much too long to believe that. And i'm fairly scared that this pelting night-storm called "love" is yet another exhilaration i'll lose to empty adulthood - you can bet i'm defending it vigilantly. If i ask a girl out, it's customary and holds no meaning, but if she asks me, if she takes responsibility for her life through me, instead of just complaining that there aren't any good guys, that's something special indeed. This could become a much longer lecture on sociobioliogy and human female submission, and maybe it will, but for now, the point is this: Yes, i'm a guy, and i want to choose, but i also want to be chosen. posted by Arthur @ 6/14/2002 10:09:00 PM	Friday, June 14, 2002
"The future is now," claims The Hudsucker Proxy, and if you caught the recent PBS miniseries Evolution or have seen my favorite film Waking Life, you have at least a vague notion of the assertion's potential meaning. Biological evolution has given over to memes, and the most striking difference is the time-frame; mimetic evolution can be almost instantaneous. Let's be clear: memes have been around as long as humans have, but as biological evolution has been tapering off, mimetic evolution has been building strength. Human history is less and less about who died and how, and more and more about the ideas that drive a culture, especially the technology. This is why the impending launch of The Sims Online is such a monumentous event. i know, i know. i've been preaching about this moment since before The Sims was conceived, but it is just that important. If you haven't yet, go to the official site and watch the new trailer for The Sims Online. If i wasn't in the process of moving, i'd be starting my own fan site. i am familiar with such MMORPGs as EverQuest and Anarchy Online, but they do not escape the bounds of video games. The Sims Online is the first baby-step toward developing our mimetic selves. posted by Arthur @ 6/12/2002 08:04:00 PM	Wednesday, June 12, 2002
You're all so damned complicated. i forget that sometimes. After watching AFI's 100 Years...100 Passions, i realize that one of the simple, fundamental truths of humanity is that some people get love and others don't. It is impossible (as my relationships have been) to expect a depth of love from someone who has no grasp of it. Of course, the great myth of pop culture is that everyone can experience love, even if it takes 90 minutes. But this is the same sort of one-sidedness that permeates every aspect of Western thought. Shall we speak of Joy? In direct conflict with all notions of Paradise, Joy is meaningless without Sorrow. Kahlil Gibran says it much better than i: "The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." Shall we speak of Pacifism? Because it's not the sign-waving and speech-making against a government at war. It's the active recognition beforehand that things are not right in the world. We are rational and therefore cannot abide contradictions. But human existence is always contradiction, across what is and what could be. And so, in denying contradiction, we create our own contradictory world. In this world, love needs must be a quest, not for another person, but for honesty. From now on, the first thing i'm going to ask about a girl is "Does she get love?" Is she willing and able to leave behind the impossible weight of what everyone else wants for her, and bring only her own compass? 'Cause i'm tired of being hurt and blamed by indecisive tagalongs. Love is NOT spontaneous. It is a treacherous journey without a fixed destination. Surely there are hearts who understand that. posted by Arthur @ 6/11/2002 10:39:00 PM	Tuesday, June 11, 2002
you are a flower and i am a flower and we are all alone gotta get out on my own gotta get up from this waiting, waiting at home gotta get out of this sunlight it's melting my bones i've gotta get up from this slumber and just get myself home all these wasted dreams just waiting for the sun to open, to open up my heart to anyone bring me some rain 'cause i'm dying, i'm dying i can't get this damn thing closed again posted by Arthur @ 6/09/2002 02:00:00 AM	Sunday, June 09, 2002