me...

Lately i've been thinking about Kelly. She was pale with chestnut hair and had a subtle curve in her cheeks. In some sense, i suppose, she was my first girlfriend. Of course, Miriam officially held that title at the time, but i was in kindergarten; what did i know? Kelly took me away from Miriam, into the "woods" on the playground, and kissed me. For the impossible exhilaration, i can't remember if it was directly on the lips, but it was close enough that i was lost forever. The next day Kelly had adopted a younger girl to be our daughter, and i developed a frustration i'd never known. All i wanted was for her to kiss me again. Strangely, it never occurred to me to kiss her.

Toward the end of elementary school, i met a girl at summer camp named Charlotte. She was in Performing Arts with me, and was beautiful. She resembled 99 in that way that people resemble other people and no one ever sees but me. i had barely spoken with her, but when a counselor sent me to take the attendance to the office, Charlotte raised her hand and asked if she could go with me. My pulse jumps a little just thinking about that moment. i was so scared and thrilled, i walked much too fast for her to catch me. It is an incredible thing to be chosen, especially because girls aren't supposed to overtly choose.

And so i wonder about the seven-year cycle of selves, because Kelly belonged to that first one psychologists hold so dear. Since then, most of the friendships i've sought have been girls, but i've not been the catalyst of any romantic relationship. This is not to say that i haven't chosen, but their choices were always the first to act. Upon meeting me, Cam invited me up to the CIT room to play poker, and sat against me. Emily escaped her date at Homecoming to ask me (rather, yell at me) if i'd save her a dance. And Anne, well, Anne just laid down on the floor. Similarly, they determined all first-time intimacies.

This behavior has stimulated an odd wealth of debate. You girls seem to delight in arguing with me that you'd never do anything you didn't want to do. i've known you much too long to believe that. And i'm fairly scared that this pelting night-storm called "love" is yet another exhilaration i'll lose to empty adulthood - you can bet i'm defending it vigilantly. If i ask a girl out, it's customary and holds no meaning, but if she asks me, if she takes responsibility for her life through me, instead of just complaining that there aren't any good guys, that's something special indeed. This could become a much longer lecture on sociobioliogy and human female submission, and maybe it will, but for now, the point is this: Yes, i'm a guy, and i want to choose, but i also want to be chosen.

posted by Arthur @ 6/14/2002 10:09:00 PM

Friday, June 14, 2002